Because He Knew
by Akane Arihyoshi
Summary: Sometimes the worst way to hurt yourself is to give your heart to the one person who will inevitably break it. AkuRoku


**Title**: Because He Knew

**Author**: Akane Arihyoshi

**Disclaimer**: I don't own this, because I could never have imagined such a beautiful scene...such nice dialogue, I could never have come up with that. The pain in Axel's voice, the sheer predicament that they find themselves in...fascinating. I'm not that good...but I want to be. And this is my attempt at being that good. I take what I was given, and I write the rest. But the dialogue isn't mine, and the characters aren't mine, because it would take some sort of god to come up with this people.

**_IMPORTANT:_** The first part of this story is in Roxas' point of view, his thoughts and feelings, and the second part is Axel's point of view, with _his _thoughts and feelings on the subject. I apologize if it gets a bit repetitive. I tried to make it so that it was different each time.

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"Your mind's made up?"

Roxas stopped abruptly. With every breath he took, he fought the urge to turn back. To run back to Axel, and say that he was sorry, say that he was stupid to try this, he wasn't leaving, he would _never_ leave. Never. But never was only a word, tacked on to the sentence in his head to form a lie. He _was_ leaving. He was leaving _now_.

He skipped the formal 'yes', and went straight on to explain. "Why did the keyblade choose me? I have to know," he stated emotionlessly. His head automatically turned to the side to face the one he was speaking to, but he stopped it just in time, before he could see the man. He figured that was the best way. Every ounce of him ached to turn back, to see _him_ one last time. Every ounce except the tiny part of his brain that controlled his logic, the part that whispered to him, saying that once he turned, he would never be able to leave. Once he faced his best friend, he would break down and stay. Once their eyes made contact, he wouldn't have the courage to do it.

And so he looked away.

"You can't turn on the Organization!" Axel roared furiously. Roxas could hear his movements, could hear his cloak rustle behind him. "You get on their bad side and they'll destroy you!" he said slightly softer, and Roxas heard the desperation in his tone, knew that this was his last plea for Roxas to stay. Because Axel was too damn respectful of Roxas, and if Roxas wanted to leave, he wouldn't stop him. _Couldn't_ stop him. And Axel knew that, damn it. He _knew_. And he wouldn't try any harder. Roxas wanted to hit him, tell him to try harder, to just ask for him to stay, to just grab Roxas' arm and hold on, but he didn't.

Because in some logical part of Roxas' brain, he told himself that the very thought was stupid. He wanted to leave, not have Axel beg him to stay. This was hard enough.

And it was all Axel's fault, anyway.

Maybe if he told himself that enough, it would be true. In fact, it was half-true, but half-truths are often lies in disguise. Axel knew. He knew everything. Everything that Roxas was searching for, everything that Roxas was _leaving _for, Axel knew. He knew why the keyblade had chosen Roxas, he knew all about Roxas' other (whoever the hell it was), and Roxas knew that Axel knew.

Axel could have told him. They were best friends. Of course he should have told him. He needed to know, and Axel knew that. Axel probably even knew that Roxas was going to leave before Roxas himself did. And he knew why Roxas would leave, and he never told him anything. And Roxas convinced himself that by not telling him, Axel didn't care if he left. He convinced himself that Axel wouldn't miss him. And if Axel didn't miss him, no one would miss him.

He heard himself say the words aloud, "No one would miss me," and he instantly hated himself. He knew that every thought was a lie. He knew that Axel had been under orders not to tell him, knew that by not telling him, Axel had somehow kept him safe. He knew that the knowledge Axel had was probably something that he didn't want to know. Knew that Axel had kept him from the truth for his own good.

He felt a pain deep in his chest, and he fought the urge to sigh. Absentmindedly he placed his hand over the left side of his chest, marveling over the absence of a heartbeat even though the concept was hardly new to him. It was true, Roxas thought idly, he had no heart. No functioning, beating, bloody organ. But he had a _heart_. And damn, was it confused.

It was in love with Axel. And it had no idea why its owner was just throwing the man away. And it was protesting, _loudly_, in his head.

But Roxas ignored it. And lifted up a foot, and set it forward. And the other. And then he was walking away. Walking away from the only person he had ever loved, from the only family he had ever known.

He wasn't fast enough.

"That's not true!" Axel shouted. Roxas kept walking, fighting the urge to run back. But Axel wasn't finished. His last words weren't meant for Roxas to hear, but the blond heard them anyway. They were spoken in a softer voice, almost a whisper.

"I would."

And Roxas' heart fell silent as it shattered into a million pieces.

-.:.-.:.-.:.-.:.-.:.-.:.-.:.-

Axel was waiting for him when he walked past on his way out. He had always known that Roxas would leave. Always, from the moment he befriended the kid. He'd been expecting this forever.

So why, when it actually happened, did it hurt so much?

Before he even knew what he was doing, he heard himself speak, and realized that in his pain his voice had a dead tone to it.

"Your mind's made up?"

He didn't know what he expected to hear. Talk about a loaded question. Roxas could say yes, could say that his mind was totally made up, that he was going to leave Axel of his own free will. Or he could say no, could say that he had his doubts, that he didn't want to leave but was going to anyway. That he was scared, but would rather leave than stay with Axel.

He didn't know which answer would hurt more. He didn't really want to find out.

Roxas seemed to know that, and he didn't answer with either. "Why did the keyblade choose me?" he asked, stopping in his tracks, but refusing to turn and look at him. "I need to know."

And Axel could have cried. Because he knew. He knew why the keyblade had chosen Roxas. He knew what had happened to Sora, knew that Sora was the keyblade master, knew that Roxas was Sora's other. He knew everything that Roxas was leaving to search for. If he told Roxas, could he make him stay?

He toyed with the idea for a moment. Could he really make Roxas stay if he told him what he knew?

No, he couldn't, and Axel knew that full well. Telling him would make him leave anyway, if for different reasons. That was why Axel never told him in the first place. Sure, he had been ordered to keep it a secret, but that hardly mattered to him. The only reason he had never told Roxas was because…

…if Axel told Roxas about Sora, Roxas would leave the second he found out. He would leave to go fix things, to right the wrongs the Organization had done, and Axel had wanted him to stay. He wanted Roxastostay, if only for a few months longer. He kept this selfish desire alive, telling himself that it was worth the extra time with Roxas. Telling himself that he was keeping the information from the kid for his own damn good.

And now he felt terrible. He knew that he had been selfish and unreasonable. But he didn't regret a second of the time he had with Roxas. Not a moment.

In desperation, he automatically shouted the first plausible reason that formed in his mind. "You can't turn on the Organization!"

He felt stupid the second he said it. What a lame reason to stay. 'Oh Roxas, you can't betray the Organization! Not after all they've done for you!' he thought mockingly. He decided to keep going with this train of thought, though, since it was already pretty much too late. "You get on their bad side and they'll destroy you!"

Yes. When in doubt, threaten with annihilation. This works especially well if you're in love with the subject. Good job Axel, way to win points. He mentally kicked himself.

Yeah. He fell in love with this kid. The stupidest thing he could have possibly done. He _knew _Roxas was going to leave. He knew it, damn it, and he still fell in love with him. Gave his heart to the one person who would break it completely.

He had a heart. Definitely. He had always secretly believed Demyx, all of them did. They all knew that they had some sort of heart. Except maybe Zexion and Saïx. But their somebodies probably didn't have hearts either. The point was, _he_ had a heart. _Had _a heart. And gave it to Roxas, to do as he wished with it.

And then Axel's blood ran cold (no small feat as a fire-wielder) as Roxas spoke again.

"No one would miss me."

And Axel suddenly wanted to do several things at once. He wanted to hit Roxas, wanted to scream in fury, wanted to hurt Roxas for saying that, wanted to hurt Roxas for thinking that Axel didn't care, that he _could_ just _not _care. He wanted to run over and hold Roxas, wanted to soothe him, assure him that he couldn't stop caring if his life depended on it. He wanted to fall to his knees and sob, wanted to cry until all the pain left and he could breathe without it hurting.

And instead he just said "That's not true!" as if the truthfulness of the statement made any difference to the amount of pain those simple words brought. And he stood there, and watched his best friend, his family, walk away without a backwards glance.

"I would," he finished sadly, turning his eyes to the ground and willing the tears to stay back.

And Axel's heart shattered into a million pieces.

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A/N: And I read what I had written, and _my _heart shattered into a million pieces. This is the first story I actually had to fight back tears on. Like, seriously stop writing and almost cry.It was heart-breaking, thinking about what these poor guys must have felt...

This wasn't what it was supposed to be. This was supposed to be Roxas, narrating his life in the Organization, telling about his friendship with Axel, and reliving that last day. Instead, it turned into Roxas' and Axel's feelings, separately, about the last day they really truly saw each other (memories intact). What can you do, though? The damn thing writes itself, I have no control over it.

Please review?

Akane


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